It’s time for the season finale of New Girl! Tonight, there’ll be airing the last two New Girl episodes back-to-back, so I’m just going to consolidate both in one post. Because I kind of think nobody would just read the second-to-last anyway. People want to see how this show ends, damn it!

During what seems to be Nick and Jess’s bachelor parties, Nadia gives a crazy speech. Nadia! Schmidt and Winston give a speech next, and it’s uncomfortably mean-spirited. “Nick sucks as a person, y’all,” Winston says. “His writing also sucks.” They call the Pepperwood chronicles a dumbass book. For Jess, they call her “beautiful” and “big-eyed,” and say she could have had any man. Why Nick? They literally drop the mic and wish the crowd a lovely evening.

The night before the wedding, Jess’s mom walks in on the couple sleeping in bed together — and she thinks it’s a massive curse. Couples shouldn’t see each other the day before. In the shower, Jess sings a song about showering, and suddenly remembers she forgot to invite Sadie. Super funny way to probably announce June Diane Raphael was unavailable. However, Jess gets into a shower accident involving a dog toy, and ends up scratching her cornea. So, she’s wearing an eye patch.

Tran is also invited to the wedding (YES!) Nick says he’s feeling antsy and doesn’t know what a groom should do on his wedding day. Night, yes — but not day. He leaves to talk to his publisher. Jess’s dad talks to Schmidt and Winston and talks to them a bit about their speech. Winston has no clue he’s being sarcastic when he says he loves it. “You stunk, like a big wheel of Lindberger cheese,” Mr. Day says.

Nick’s publisher thinks his new book is way too dark, but if he wanted to write three more Pepperwoods, that could happen. Nick wonders if this is all part of the curse.

Uh, Something’s Up With Aly

Ruth and Mario are guarding the bridal suite. Meanwhile, Cece is chatting with Aly and realizes…she’s in labor. The curse continues after Jess’s mom grabs her mail and tells her she’s being evicted and has thirty days to move. Jess’s mom offers her a little… something to calm down, in edible form.

And, that ends up being a mistake. Since when Cece meets up with Jess, Jess is high, eating cake, in her wedding dress, and wearing a googly eye on her eyepatch. And there’s just 60 minutes till the wedding.

“The upside to this, is, at least you’re not freaking out about your wedding becoming cursed,” Cece says. Russell stops by and says she really needs to talk to Jess. Aly, still very much in labor, interrupts things and Cece tends to her while asking Russell to watch Jess.

Schmidt thinks that “Chicago Hobo” needs to happen, and tells Nick that he needs to talk to his publisher — no more Pepperwoods will happen if it doesn’t get published. Shortly after, Nick says he refused and was close to getting fired. The curse is real!

Russell asks Jess if she’s worried about the relationship, based on the fact that she’s stoned, wearing an eyepatch, and talking to her ex. An ex who admits he’s in love with her. Gulp. Jess says she’s in love with Nick, 100%. And then Russell throws back to their first date. Remember when he asked them to write about what they both thought would happen? Neither was positive.

Nick Intervenes

Nick comes by and gets upset over what he sees. He doesn’t know why Jess’s eye is patched up, or why Russell is so handsome. And the three dudes try really hard to beat up Russell, but are just so bad at it. But everything’s at a pause since Cece announces Aly’s in labor. Aly is terrified of giving birth and having all the gum she’s ever swallowed fall out with the baby, which  I’m calling it — is probably going to be the best line of the episode.

Aly arrives at the hospital via limo, and everyone is right behind — including Jess and Nick. Jess gives Russell the bouquet, kindly saying his sixth wife is out there somewhere.

Nick and Jess talk about the curse. Literally everything went wrong. They’re out of jobs, getting evicted, and “I say this with love, but your eye is trash,” Nick states. Jess rips up the two papers she got from Russell, and Nick says that all he wants is to have a weird, wonderful life with her.

The Wedding

Winston, excited, pops out and says that Aly is 3 centimeters dilated and it’ll be about 13 hours till the baby arrives. Nick chooses to have a weird wedding with Jess, and they have it right in the hospital. That way, Aly and Winston can be there. Presumably with none of their guests? The wedding starts with “Groovy Kind Of Love,” a throwback to the wedding episode from season one. Jess is walked down the aisle by both parents. “Take care of our pirate bride,” her mom says.

The two marry, and the episode ends with the birth of Winston’s baby — “Dan Bill Bishop.” The gang wonders if the middle name is William, but nope.

The Series Finale

In the next episode, Schmidt states that he thinks that “Dan Bill” sounds like a weird town in Connecticut. Cece says it’s their mistake. They all get on a group call for news from Jess, who says she has truly terrible news. “This is life-changing stuff,” Jess says. She calls them all home to state, “Nick and I are moving out of the lot.” Schmidt asks why she acts like a member of the Baby-Sitters Club when it comes to that stuff.

They’re getting evicted in 24 hours and wanted everyone to have time to say goodbye to the loft. The gang asks why they’re not packed with, but they did start — they have four boxes packed, with glue.

Cece and Schmidt are ready to say goodbye already, which bums Jess out. Nobody will leave the loft until they celebrate the place. Nick gets everyone together to say that Jess is having a hard time with all of this, and wants everyone to try hard to appease to Jess, especially since Nick doesn’t want to spend more money on the moving truck. Schmidt happens to uncover a box called “Gross Stuff,” which Nick says includes Jess’s undergarments. Schmidt finds this lie to be especially weird.

The stuff uncovered from the loft include the cast that Schmidt wore when he broke his penis, and the scary portrait of the roommates that Jess created. Schmidt thanks Jess for bringing them together to show them “their old trash.” Jess then becomes focused on doing stuff with the roommates they’ve never done before — like, Cece has never cleaned the oven. Cece and Jess have also never used the urinals.

The Box, Uncovered

Meanwhile, Schmidt finds the gross stuff box. It’s filled with peppermint lotion that Schmidt bought for Nick every year since they met back in college. He’s never experienced soft feet his entire life. “You don’t know how to do foot lotion?” Schmidt asks him. After an argument, Jess overhears the two of them talking about “pretending to care” for her sake. “To me, this is the place where I met all of you,” Jess admits.

Nick offers to buy the second day for the truck, so that everyone can reminisce properly.

Cece pinpoints the place where she introduced everyone to her “baby voice.” Another callback! And Winston finally confesses a “mess-around” with Cece, which happens to be a group dance that ended in half-assed floor replacement.

Nick’s memories include him and Schmidt moving the couch in for the first time. “A lot of cool stuff is going to happen in this loft,” a younger Nick tells still-fat Schmidt. With that, he lotions his foot. “It’s so friggin creamy,” he says. “I really like foot lotion. They should make foot lotion for your hand. Foot lotion hand.”

That prompts Nick to finally tell Schmidt he loves him. It’s a milestone!

One Final Game

But, there’s one more thing they need to do. One last round of True American. The floor is lava! This time, they’re playing True American Packing Edition.

And then, an emotional flash forward of all their kids playing the game. Looks like Jess and Nick have a boy? Wait, no. They’re kind of projecting. Standing on one box, they soon realize that…

Winston’s final “Prank Sinatra” prank was the eviction notice. His face is on the truck. Winston had Sadie and a bunch of other characters slide the notices under their door while they were still in the loft. Winston says he has two babies — Dan Bill and this prank.

Kind of the perfect prank ever. A little too bit for Schmidt and Cece, but Jess thinks it was just right. And so do I. New Girl, you were an important show — and I’m glad you got these last few episodes to wrap things up the right way.