Welcome back to Survivor! It’s season 36, but it really seems like season 90000. Jeff Probst was like, 12 when this show started.

This year, the orange buffs are a tribe called Malolo. They’re asked to choose one person to lead their tribe, and they choose Brendan. He’s a teacher and a coach, and obviously, those things radiate out of his pores.

Purple buffs are called Naviti, and Chris quickly volunteers. “That was instant,” Probst said. There’s no follow-up about why Chris was the one everyone chose, leading me to believe that it may have been a poor decision. Chris and Brendan get to blindly choose other contestants to complete the very first challenge.

Desiree was picked to figure out the puzzle, and while she doesn’t openly state it (like Morgan) she’s not super fond of the choice. “Maybe I’m bald with blonde hair and look a little creative, but puzzles are not my strong suit,” she says. (Note: She is mostly bald with blonde hair, and she is rocking it.) The winning team gets eggs!

The good news is that Desiree ended up doing (sliiiightly) better than she gave gives herself credit for. In front of a slide puzzle (and competing against Laurel) she moved pieces quickly. Aside from competing against each other, they’re also competing against the sand timer. Stakes are high. If they wait for the sand timer to run out, they lose their fishing equipment. If they win, they gain eggs.

But, it’s Malolo who wins after Chris decides to pull the lever for the other team, forfeiting the game. Laurel was ahead, and he figures “It’s more important to get what we can, and it was worth it.” Unfortunately, his tribe isn’t totally on his side regarding the decision. Especially Dom. Dom is pretty pissed.

There’s a dude on here named Donathan, and he’s a gay man from Kentucky. He said he’s on the show to help make new friends, especially since there’s not a large variety of people where he’s from. You guys, I’m predicting him as the winner.  His name is DONATHAN. (Then again, there’s also a furniture designer named Wendell.)

Sebastian was named Sebastian after Sebastian Inlet, and not based on Sebastian the crab, as I would have guessed. He’s already tried to create a connection with Chris, as they’ve got a lot of similarities. They’re gunning for Dom right now, as he’s “kind of crazy.” Because y’know, Dom said two things against Chris’s lever decision.

So, Jacob decides to go “exploring,” and everyone knows that means he’s looking for an idol. According to James, Jacob is “playing too hard” and thinks that standing out so early on is a bad move.  He also poured rice into a sock at some point, which proves he’s probably not going to be in this game too long. But, can we talk about the ‘fro Jake is sporting here? Since if there’s limited time to do so, we need to take this opportunity now.

Back on the Naviti tribe, our boy Wendell proved that he’s pretty great at basket weaving. He’s a fan of Dom and is a little worried by the fact that Sebastian is throwing Dom’s name out. He decides to tell Dom, as a way to build loyalty. “I know it was Chris,” Dom says while hanging in the ocean.

The Immunity Challenge

The first immunity challenge includes a net, teamwork, and a bunch of rope. Also, another puzzle. The immunity idol this year is more impressive than past years, but the image of Jeff Probst whittling it at home before filming is still one I hold dear to my heart.

The puzzle pieces are gigantic and require ten people to “heave” and “ho” over to their side of the beach. In general, it seems like a good, if not exhausting, icebreaker challenge. As per usual, Probst is all about narrating from a distance. Imagine how awkward it must be for him to talk to nobody when this is all happening. Like, nobody’s paying attention to Jeff right now. Also, Jeff knowing everyone’s name right off the bat is always pretty impressive. I already forgot who Chris and Dom were, and Jacob is only recognizable based on his mane.

By the way, the puzzle is that of a skull. And Naviti completes it first, meaning that Malolo is going to tribal council tonight. “We still know we’re still one of the best tribes of all time,” Jacob said. It’s day three, and he lost. Get with it, Jacob.

Naviti gets to choose one person from Malolo to go to Ghost Island. It’s a big opportunity, especially since they don’t know these people. They choose Jacob since he’s the one who spoke up. “I want to know what Ghost Island is,” Jacob says with enthusiasm. He’s been hearing about it for three days! He’s going to come back a changed man.

Investigating Ghost Island

Jacob is brought to Ghost Island, and it looks just like every other deserted island on Survivor. He sees original “Survivor relics,” and realizes that Ghost Island is pretty much a museum of fake immunity idols. He finds a clue that says “Game On. Follow The Fire.” So he does that and sees a “Game of Chance,” which will give him an advantage if he chooses correctly. There are three trunks, and he chooses the left. And he’s correct! The left trunk has a key, which he uses to unlock his secret advantage. It’s a legacy advantage, which comes with a lot of Survivor history. He needs to give it to someone on the other tribe, and he thinks Morgan will be a good choice based on her “spunk.” So far, all I’ve retained about Morgan is that she doesn’t like puzzles.

Back on Malolo, Donathan’s name is getting tossed around for the vote, and my heart is slowly breaking. They think he’s weak. I think he’s wonderful. “He is somebody that I can nurture,” “To me, getting rid of Gonzalez is getting rid of a strategic threat.” They mean Stephanie Gonzalez — Malolo has two Stephanies.

According to CBS, Gonzalez’s interests include “Paintball, working out, and running” so I can get how she’d be a threat. But, uh. This is the first episode, and you need strong people to help you win challenges, so. As much as I love Donathan, that’s a rough move.

Tribal Council

It’s time for Tribal Council. Donathan talks about how he hasn’t had any big experiences in his life, and I feel for him. Gonzalez mentions how she’s actually strong at puzzles, and since they’ve all been there for like…three days, people don’t even know that yet. I hate to say this, but Donathan may be out. Long live Donathan.

Everyone starts whispering to each other, which is still somewhat of a new revelation. Nobody whispers to Donathan. Whispering in general still seems kind of new — back in my day, people took a gamble with their strategy and vote.

Probst tallies the votes. First vote? Donathan. Then Gonzalez gets four votes. Well, good for Donathan. But, I think it was kind of a missed opportunity, as who knows what Gonzalez was capable of? “Sad,” she says as her torch gets snuffed. Sad indeed.