There’s something you guys need to know about me — I’m like, hopelessly addicted to Teen Mom OG. Not even Teen Mom 2. Just the OG girls. So, upon hearing that Amber Portwood would be on Marriage Boot Camp with her trainwreck ex, Matt Baier, I knew I had to tune in. As a disclaimer, this is the first season I’ll be watching. Perhaps the last, as well. We’ll see.

Renee from Mob Wives is the first to appear, with her sisters Jenn and Lana. They’re there to mend their relationship with each other. There’s been miscommunication and resentment before.

Next up is Amber, Matt, and Amber’s mom. “I really want us all to get help on our communication,” Amber says in the car.  Her mom thinks Matt’s been keeping Amber isolated from the family, which everyone who watches Teen Mom can blindly see. Amber was so happy to see Renee since supposedly her and Matt are big Mob Wives fans. Renee isn’t really that into the whole “fan” thing, or the “Teen Mom” thing, and thinks there’ll be a lot of big attitudes in the house.

Brandi Glanville from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills stops by next with her dad, Guy. Brandi wants her dad to understand and respect her. Right off the bat, Brandi knows Amber is a little crazy. Renee also isn’t super happy about Brandi’s arrival, calling her a “Real Housewife from the Beverly Hillbillies.”

Jim Jones the rapper is next, with his fiancee Chrissy and his mom. Supposedly Chrissy and Jim have been engaged forever, but she can’t get along well with his mom.

Jim’s mom and Amber’s mom hang out during a smoke break and talk about what they’re expecting from the show. The fact that they’re both moms who hate the significant others of their kids is a big thing they have in common. The other guests hang out in the living room and start hurling insults and complaints, since hey — that’s what they’re here for, I guess.

“Amber wants to make everything about herself,” Brandi says after Amber opens up about Matt’s extra kids. The fact that Matt has relapsed on drugs also makes people uneasy as well, since a lot of housemates have had drug issues.

As for Matt, he thinks it’s funny that Amber is railing on him when he thinks everyone else in the house has issues with her. Then, things escalate. “I tell the fucking truth!” Amber says. I’d be shocked if all of these housemates were Teen Mom fans. Is Amber actually a household name?

Silencing Amber are the two doctors who step in — Dr. Ish and Dr. V. Amber immediately felt at ease based on their presence. Jim Jones is playing with a fidget spinner, which is both disrespectful and hilarious. Supposedly he’s already run the gauntlet as far as doctors are concerned. “I went to anger management class, that didn’t help,” he said.

Time For…Class?

A bell rings, which means class is in session! Really. There are desks, and a chalkboard, and everything. Guy mentions that the last time he was in school, Nixon was president. Amber thinks it’s a little juvenile.

“This is not going to be easy in any shape or form,” Matt says. No shit, dude. You’re getting embarrassed on WeTV.

Each Bootcamper needs to open their desks to share something with the class. Renee is up first and opens up a backpack with a brain. “I’m guessing this is my brain in here?” she says. One of her sisters says she’s co-dependent and often plays dumb. Thus, the brain in the jar. Holy crap, this is going to get good. Renee admits that she doesn’t make good life decisions. If she did, she wouldn’t be stoned so much.

“There’s been so much hurt created because of my addiction,” Renee said. “I felt abandoned.”

Supposedly she was in rehab for seven months, but her sisters saw it as her shutting them down. Renee takes the brain and goes back to her desk. Her sister Jenn is next and reveals a knife in her backpack.

“A person that could stab another person or cut them off is cold,” Renee says. It seems like Jenn isn’t very forgiving.

Lana, the final sister, is up next. She gets a Pinnochio nose which is way more fun than a knife or a jar of brains.  But, that means she’s perceived as a liar. The sisters are told to have a shared reality and show a little empathy towards each other.

Next up is Jim. He opens a juvenile lunchbox and claims that what’s inside is “bullshit.” You guys, I LOVE JIM JONES.

And, uh. Guys, I’m going to be honest. I stepped away for two seconds and missed what it is. But I think it’s a ring. Or, something resembling a circle. Since love and marriage is a circle, and wedding rings, blah blah blah.  His mom is up next, and she has a duffle bag.

Ready To Be Disturbed?

Inside is a creepy newborn doll with an umbilical cord, probably telling her to cut the cord with her son. Gross. Chrissy gets a sash that says “Runner-Up.” She’s not in first place, as Mama Jones is #1.

Brandi Glanville is next, and she gets to unwrap a photo of her ex-husband who cheated on her. It was the first love of his life, and supposedly her father blamed her for it. Guy was like, “I liked Eddie, Brandi. I liked him. I loved him!” Well, that’s the problem.

Guy is up next, and he unwraps two boobs. Seriously. Two fake boobs. Brandi got her boobs enhanced to a B after having kids, and supposedly Guy is “embarrassed” by that. “We had Playboy on our coffee table,” Brandi said. Supposedly Guy also walked around the house naked. Guy then revealed his father was physically abusive to him and threw him against the wall as a child. And he’s saying this while holding fake boobs.

Guy then says he’d be proud of her if she was a model for Victoria’s Secret.  Matt tries to pipe up and make a point to say he’s ashamed of her for being a reality star, and Guy admits he hates the industry altogether. Jim Jones says two words and everyone is psyched at his ability to speak.

Amber gets super offended since she’s been on reality television for 10 years and not everyone is like that. Everyone accuses Amber of being high, and a fight breaks out. I LOVE THIS SHOW.  I CAN’T STOP DECLARING MY LOVE IN CAPS LOCK.

“This is crazy. It’s out of control. Amber just comes out of the fucking blue, ready to brawl!” Brandi says.

Matt claims that Amber can be set off by the weather, which is maybe the smartest thing he’s ever said. Brandi admits she’s scared of Amber and doesn’t think she’s 100% mentally well.

Dr. Ish sits down with Amber, who admits that getting that angry was an amateur thing to do. She’s totally on drugs again.

Brandi thinks she’s crazy and has no control over her anger. Jim Jones also apologizes. But, the apologies aren’t accepted. At least, not by Chrissy. Amber has a hard time dealing with that but gets talked down pretty quick.

Anyway, back to show and tell. Amber’s mom Tonya unleashes a spine. It’s because she’s spineless and can’t talk for herself, I guess. Her lunchbox is also a police car. She admits she’s had an abusive relationship with Amber’s dad, and she’s really looking for that mother/daughter bond with her.

Amber is up next. She reveals a bomb. Because she’s got anger and doesn’t have control. She grew up in a war zone, and now that war zone “lives inside of you,” per Dr. V. Now people feel sorry for her.

But The Next Reveal Is Everything

Next up is  Matt. He has A DESK FULL OF WORMS. SERIOUSLY. BECAUSE MATT IS A WORMY FRAUD.

It’s because he’s no good. He blames it on the way their relationship started out. He said he had two kids, but he has five. “Amber doesn’t need this toxic relationship,” Tonya says. Amber blames Matt and his “bitchass” for all of the problems she has now.

Dr. V thinks that Amber and Matt have a cycle to break, but they can’t do that without the right tools. And with that, class is dismissed. Everyone needs to go towards their bedrooms, all decorated with things that pain them.

For example, Matt and Amber need to sleep in cribs. Jim, his mom, and fiancee need to sleep in one connected bed, with his mom sleeping in-between. Brandi and her father need to sleep in a room filled with pictures of her cleavage. Renee needs to sleep in rooms with quotes on the wall like “Renee’s addiction ruined our family.” This is reality TV at its finest.

Amber is not here for this and starts throwing things out. She also threatens to leave. Jim Jones is INTO the joint bed, which is kind of upsetting.

Amber threatens to leave, but I guess we’ll see if that happens next week. Because, cliffhanger. And I’ll be there. (They show previews for next week and she’s still there, so it’s safe to say she stays.)