At the start of this week’s New Girl, Cece and Schmidt are already talking about how Ruth will grow up, and it seems like there’s already a lot of pressure there. She’s a bit of a wild thing, so who knows if she’ll end up being president. Actually, no. She probably will be.

The two ask former teacher Jess to maybe take Ruth under her wing and educationally prep her since they don’t want her enrolled in a shoddy preschool like Triangles (which, to be fair, Cece wasn’t totally against.) In their eyes, she’s Harvard material.

In touring possible preschools, the two come back from a place called Lilypads, when they run into Benjamin, Schmidt’s former friend. Benjamin’s “seed” is already playing piccolo, making them feel like Ruth might need a professional tutor in order to get in. “Lilypads was really magical,” Cece said. She hates to admit it but said the kids looked “hot” in uniforms. As she was a former model, that can probably be forgivable.

Nick has his laptop out at the bar, trying hard to write. He talks to a woman sipping on a martini, who told him earlier about how she once borrowed shorts. It’s a good distraction from Nick’s project about Chicago. He hired someone on Craigslist to punch him in the face if he doesn’t get to 20 pages, which is strange, as Winston would and could do that for free.

Winston’s 2001 Secret

Winston’s at the bar to tell Nick a story about how he caved when in court and got a little nervous.  As a detective, he often has to testify and always gets embarrassingly flustered. Nick says that at law school, if someone falls apart at the stand it’s because they’re hiding something. So, what is Winston hiding? Maybe it was because back in 2001 in January, he was (maybe) caught masturbating.

Back in the loft, Jess and Ruth are focusing on her breathing. Schmidt is mad, as Jess is literally teaching her the one thing she’s known how to do since birth. But there’s also twirling, and hey, there’s a good chance she couldn’t have done that as a newborn.

Schmidt’s methods include going over colors and paying Ruth a dollar when she’s correct. She calls green “Denise,” since that’s creatively what green’s name is. “Green can mean Denise, or Juanita, or Jerry,” Jess says. She realizes just then that in her eyes, green is totally Jerry. Jess and Schmidt kindly try to argue over private schools in front of Ruth. The second Cece emerges, Jess frustratingly says, “Why didn’t you marry Shivrang?!” Aw, throwbacks.

Discussing One Of Pixar’s Finest

But, now back to the 2011 masturbation claims. Nick visited Winston in college and opened the door to see him in front of his computer, with tissues suspiciously nearby. Winston thinks it’s weird because Nick drove eight hours to see him to ask him if he saw A Bug’s Life. Deep down, Winston thinks Nick is just a procrastinator. Probably because he never thinks he’s good enough to get something done. “I hope you get punched in the face today. I really do,” Winston says. Because then, maybe, he’ll see his potential.

It’s time for Ruth’s big group interview. Jess arrives for Ruth, and Schmidt isn’t super happy about it. Benjamin’s child greets them in Mandarin. In comparison, Ruth meows. I’d rather hang with Ruth, honestly.

“Remember what we talked about,” Schmidt says. “Roy G Biv.” Ruth says that “Ruth’s gonna do what Ruth’s gonna do,” which isn’t super promising.

Back on the stand, Winston nervously says his name is “Winston Bottoms.” Then, changes that to “Detective Bottoms.” His lower-half has the sweats, and asks the jury for a WetWipe. Instead, they put a pause on the case.

Nick finally gets his encouragement. It’s Winston! He has six pages at 3:01, and gets punched by the lady drinking a martini. “Craigslist, bitch!” she laughs. What a twist!

Watching The Lilypads

The Lilypads hopefuls watch their kids from behind a window to see how they’re doing. Ruth earns three tadpoles for her imagination, in thinking that her cut circle was actually like a moon. Schmidt and Jess believe that together, they’re the perfect parent — sweet and salty. Cece rightfully takes offense, as Ruth lived inside of her for awhile.

Then, Ruth starts a bit of a revolt. After Benjamin walks in, she calls him Denise and they shut the door with the piccolo (which looks more like a flute to me? I could be wrong.) Benjamin gets stabbed in the face, and this episode just got really, really weird. Like, Benjamin is bleeding. Writers, uh — what happened here? You’re really having grown men get attacked by 3-year-olds?…

Nick makes it to 20 pages and says they’re all good. Well, maybe 5. Well, he likes the title. He thanks Winston, and wants to pay it forward. He thinks Winston still sees himself as a 12-year-old who can’t rollerblade. But he’s not. He’s a police offer, married to the love of his life with a baby on the way!

Still, he didn’t masturbate. But he had intent. Flashback to Winston web-searching for “lady body” online. But Nick walked in right before things started. “I wanted to pleasure myself, and this man helped me get there,” he says as the trial starts up again.

Schmidt and Cece think that they should probably let Ruth be Ruth. They ask what school she wants to attend, and it’s Triangles — the school with chickens and germs. The episode ends, and we still have no idea if Benjamin died.